I don’t know how long they’ve been looking for me. Or why. All i know is that they are. And when they find me, they’ll kill me.
We’re always on edge, ready at the drop of a hat to pick up and move.
Tonight, he is coming for me.
My mom packs my bag through tears. We fight over which shoes to bring, as if I’m going on vacation and not trying to run for my life. My dad yells to get in the car to take me to the train station where I’ll get on a train to disappear for a while. But then,
they’re at my door.
I catch a glimpse of his face in the window, and even though it’s clouded in the dark of night, i get shivers.
They force their way into our house. They have a woman with them. She is bound and looks worse for the wear. Her gaze is fixed on the ground as she’s led into our living room, and she looks defeated. Until suddenly she looks up at me, and her eyes are defiant, confident, resolute. Years’ worth of understanding passes between us in seconds before they drag me to the living room after her, my mom screaming in the background.
They seat me on the floor in front of the woman and bark some orders at her. I think this woman is the one who is going to kill me. But they want something from me first. And suddenly she’s pushing me, and i’m falling into a light. I hear the yells of the men behind me grow faint until…
Silence.
And then i’m in a room. And i’m in the woman’s arms. She smiles at me, asks me how i feel. I ask:
“am i dead?”
“yes”
Dying didn’t feel anything like how i thought it would.
“i wasn’t supposed to push you all the way. I was supposed to keep you halfway so they could drain you.”
“drain me of what?”
but she leads me into another room where i’m surprised to find a few familiar faces. There’s N and J and C
and M.
I run into his arms, thankful for his embrace. He smells alive, and I don’t question what he’s doing in this place with me.
I get settled in. I pass E building a dollhouse. It’s lovely.
And suddenly I’m starving. I go to the kitchen to find something to eat. J and C reappear and I’m happy to see them. They were my big brother and sister at school. Always looking out for me. Always there with a hug or a word of advice. My support system. My confidantes. My friends.
I ask them about this place and they tell me story after story. Then suddenly I realize
“Are you… dead… too?”
J answers me with a little nod, and I’m crushed.
“when?” I manage to whisper.
A long pause.
“1993.”
“But that couldn’t be possible! You were with me way after that… that… that doesn’t make any sense. How could you have been with me AFTER you died?”
“We were sent back for you. To protect you,” J replies.
To protect me. I let this sink in as we make our way to the table where others are seated, laughing and eating together as a family. I collapse in a seat next to M. Suddenly I’m not hungry anymore. I turn to him and ask with dread
“are you…”
“yes. I am. Everyone here is.”
“how?” my voice breaking, barely above a whisper “how is that possible? I saw you yesterday. I SAW you.”
He calms me, reassures me, waits for me to catch my breath. I only have one word left,
“when”
“October.”
“OcTOBer??”
He smiles. A sad smile full of knowledge past his years.
“I didn’t want you to be alone so I begged them to send me back. And they did. They sent me back so I could be with you until you could come here with me. Until now.”
I thought back to how the last photo we had was from before October. How things had been different but I couldn’t explain why.
“Were you real?”
“In a way. I was real to you.”
This is all too much to handle. Then suddenly,
“wait, they sent you back? Who did? Who sent you back?”
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